If the expectations and consequences are clear before the teen breaks the rule, then the consequence can be put into place much more easily then if a consequence is put into place in the heat of the moment. I think that we all know what I am talking about here. You expect your teenager -- perhaps a new driver -- to be home by 11 p.
The clock approaches p. As a parent, you are scared to death that something may have happened to your child. On the other hand, you are furious that they are breaking the rule and making you worry.
The teen gets home at p. They lost track of time. Perhaps they got lost or their cell phone wasn't charged. Then it happens -- you lose it. Yes, an entire month of staying home. No weekend activities will be allowed and no friends will be allowed over. The problem is that it is late and you are tired and upset so you really haven't thought through the particulars of the month of grounding.
By changing the consequence, you are not being inconsistent. Rather, you are modeling an important lesson for your child—the lesson that bad decisions can and should be corrected.
Carole has worked as a family and individual therapist for over 16 years, and is a former online parent coach for Empowering Parents. She is also the mother of three grown children and grandmother of six. You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an account? Create one for free! Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family.
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Does your child exhibit angry outbursts , such as tantrums, lashing out, punching walls, and throwing things? Would you like to learn about how to use consequences more effectively? Do you struggle with disrespect or verbal abuse from your child? Has your child been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder ODD?
Or does your child exhibit a consistent and severe pattern of anger, irritability, arguing, defiance, and vindictiveness toward you or other authority figures? We're just about finished! I recently spoke to a Mum and Dad who are currently struggling with their Year 10 son who has been 'pushing all their buttons'. These were great parents who obviously love their son. He sounds like a great kid but he's been sneaking out of the house without their knowledge on a Saturday night and was recently found almost unconscious in a shopping centre car park after drinking too much.
When I asked the mother how she responded to leaving the house without permission, you could hear the frustration in her voice when she said the following:.
The only thing that worked, when we could actually see that it made a difference, was when we took him to the barber and we cut off his long hair! Punishment and consequences are very different things and if you want to ensure your teen learns a lesson after doing the 'wrong thing' it is important to ensure that you know the difference. Cutting her son's precious locks off was a punishment and I can almost guarantee that the 'difference' she saw in her son's face as they were being lopped off was in no way related to a positive 'teachable moment'.
The mother did it to show she was in control and that she was boss. She was hurt - that is absolutely understandable. He was angry and resentful. The punishment may result in him never sneaking out of the house again, it may not, but if this 'power-based' response is regularly used it has the potential to cause great damage to the parent-child relationship. So am I suggesting that grounding never be used?
Of course not, if used appropriately, grounding can be a very effective consequence. It just needs to be thought-through and planned. Consequences need to be fair they 'fit the crime' , balanced they impact on the young person but aren't designed to 'hurt' and, as already stated, able to be enforced. The key to finding 'appropriate' consequences for breaking rules is ensuring that they are developed at the same time as those rules.
Adolescents need to know what the rules are and why they exist, but they also need to be fully aware of the consequences should they break them. When they know what will happen should they play-up, they are much less likely to feel that their punishment is unfair - they may not like what will happen but it's no great surprise! So the best way to use grounding is to introduce it as a potential consequence when rules around parties and alcohol are discussed. This could be done in the following way:.
In a calm manner, then you can connect and see why they made this decision and what can be done next time to choose something more mindful. These practices are more of a proactive approach to guiding our children rather than reacting with consequences after the fact.
These techniques are preventative, meaning they are most helpful if practiced before your child makes important decisions. Raising their awareness is the best way to help them make mindful decisions. View the discussion thread. Tina Louise Balodi, a. She shares all of her techniques, secrets, and stories from her own family and her heart. Skip to main content. Home » Blogs » Tina Louise Balodi's blog. The more you do it, the better Exercise — Moving our bodies can help us to move our emotions through us and we can then make decisions from a calm thinking place Meditate — This is a wonderful way to connect with our inner beings and to allow quiet time to recharge and calm our mind and our bodies Listen To Music — Music always help shift our energy and change our vibrational frequency.
Just reading labels increases awareness about what goes inside our bodies Take Salt Baths — This can help clear our energy and also remove any toxins in the body. Tina Louise Balodi's blog. Tina Louise Balodi. Prana Boost. Other Bloggers You May Like. Leon Scott Baxter. Rosemary Reeves.
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